I Surrender…

I wrote this piece on and off through a week of mumming that was tough to say the least….expectations were high as we approached the first birthday of our littlest little love (Im a BIG birthday person so planning for these celebrations is a big deal for me).  The meaning of sleep deprivation had hit an all time new level as our biggest little love struggled with tonsillitis and our littlest little love fought off the flu.  Mama guilts were bumping me left right and centre as I juggled to meet both of my babies needs.  If mama will had a super power attached, I’m certain I would have willed myself to grow an extra pair of arms so both my babies could have the constant cuddles they were seeking.

In the brief moments that I had, I found myself drawn to my computer, to a note pad, to anything I could externalise some of my thoughts on.  Rereading this piece, I hesitated on whether to share.  I think the reason for this is that this piece shares my honest, raw thoughts and feelings, and with that comes vulnerability.

The reason I chose to share, takes me back to the core reason I was driven to write in the first place…to normalise the challenges that parenting presents, to encourage others to speak out, to promote that struggling together is better than struggling alone, to emphasise that social media provides a glorified snippet of the real life of a mama and to show that vulnerability is not a negative state to be in and to express is to be well.

Mama Being Frank – So putting my uncertainties and insecurities aside, my hope is that one mama might read this, and then take a big deep sigh of relief, in the knowledge that, WE are in this journey together.

Garland

I surrender

I surrender to the chaos I surrender to the mess I surrender to that nagging voice that expectations are just not met…

I surrender to the love that has filled my now evergrowing heart, I surrender to the selflessness that has come with this gentle but challenging art…

I surrender to the washing that has caught me at my heels, I surrender to the dishes that seem a never ending ordeal…

I surrender to the notion they need me at my best, I surrender to the failing that ill be perfect yet…

I surrender to their demands of love and my affection, to always be there for them, with my fierce undenying devotion…

I surrender to the idea that ill never make a mistake, I surrender to the knowledge that ill give all it takes…

I surrender to days like these where it all seems a little hard, where sleepless nights lead to tired days, and all thats ahead feels just a bit much…

I surrender to the unpredictability, the plans that just don’t go so, I surrender to the spills that feel like an avalanches moving slow….

I surrender to the knowledge that ill always need some help, whether from my partner, from my mother or the from the stranger standing near…

I surrender to not knowing just how things will turn out, I surrender to the notion that I have needs to meet first…

I surrender to the need to take a deep deep breathe, to sit still with my babies and just let expectations rest…

I surrender to the desire to look deep into their eyes, to breathe them in so intensely, that everything else just passes by…

 

I surrender to the idea that to do this does not mean failure,

Nor does it mean give up, or concede or forfeit.

To surrender means simply, just to let it be,

The journey that it is, the journey that its meant to be.

Surrender is not a dirty word,

it means choose to let it go,

choose what to hold on to,

and let the rest be free.

i-surrender